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    The Beaverton

  • Trump accuses all 342 million Americans of also being in Epstein Files
    WASHINGTON D.C. – With the release of thousands of emails from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Donald Trump, the POTUS is deflecting by boldly alleging that every single man, woman, and child living in the United States are also named in the secret files. “Sure, maybe I’m in... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 14, 2025 - 4:11 pm
  • Simon Fraser University renamed to “Students Failed to get into UBC”
    BURNABY, B.C. – After much deliberation, Simon Fraser University President Joy Johnson announced that the university has renamed itself to “Students Failed to get into the University of British Columbia”, effective immediately. “This name change not only reflects our core values, but the reality of the student body on campus,”... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 13, 2025 - 7:11 pm
  • The Beaverton will tell Doug Ford a tunnel under the 401 is the dumbest idea of all time for just 8.5 million
    “We’re willing to negotiate down to 8.2.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Nile Seguin) delight in the chaos consuming the Conservative Party, wonder why the Democrats are incapable of not shitting the bed, and try to understand the government’s plan to put 300,000 civil servants in the armed... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 13, 2025 - 4:16 am
  • “Trump is a pedophile” email raises questions about whether Trump is a pedophile
    WASHINGTON, D.C. – With many of Jeffrey Epstein’s documents and emails now available to the public, subtle messages from the disgraced financier like “Donald Trump is a sex criminal I have done sex crimes with” and “Would anyone like to hear about how big of a pervert Donald Trump, the... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 13, 2025 - 2:58 am
  • Long awaited sex bots arrive, immediately self destruct rather than deal with men
    LAS VEGAS – A massive fire destroyed the RealGirlz Headquarters in Las Vegas, Nevada on Friday morning which CEO and founder Jeff Morrow called a “deliberate act of arson.” Morrow, who first made international headlines in 2012 after promising that his line of RealGirlz sex dolls would one day replace... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 12, 2025 - 10:16 pm
  • “AI is not a threat” says man threatened by vibrators
    BURNABY, B.C. – A local man exceedingly wary of vibrators also insists that artificial intelligence is not a threat. “AI is just one tool in our toolkit,” says Tyler Bowman, 31, who has never successfully used a tool in his entire life. “It’s not here to replace anything. It helps... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 12, 2025 - 8:53 pm
  • Demonic dog baring teeth and growling just happy to see you, says owner
    ARNPRIOR, ON – Local residents expressing concern over the behaviour of an aggressive dog were reassured by its owner that he is actually quite friendly and loves people. Residents walking the paths of the Gillies Grove Nature Reserve reported encounters with a large dog that left them feeling shaken.  “I... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 11, 2025 - 10:03 pm
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