The Beaverton

  • OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase
    LOS ANGELES – With the passing of former football star and double homicide enthusiast OJ Simpson, the family has announced that the funeral procession will take the form of a highly-televised low-speed chase down the Los Angeles interstate. In accordance with his last wishes, Simpson’s casket will be loaded into... Read more »
  • OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder
    LOS ANGELES – Former American football star turned actor turned guy who was found liable for killings but not convicted criminally OJ Simpson has succumbed to a battle with cancer, surrounded by the remaining family members who did not die at his hand. While much of Simpson’s life was surrounded... Read more »
  • Canada suffering productivity crisis, says government that does nothing
    OTTAWA – Canada is in the midst of a severe productivity crisis, warns a report from Canada’s federal government, who also does jack shit. “This is an issue that cannot be ignored,” said a spokesperson for Canada’s government, which has repeatedly ignored the housing crisis and ballooning cost of living... Read more »
  • 10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
    The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah in 1979 and kept the name despite Utah having about as much to... Read more »
  • Kid taken out of school early shocked by mundanity of adult world
    CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his mother for a doctor’s appointment he had completely forgotten about. Jacob’s jealous... Read more »
  • Ford announces LCBO paper bags to double as his affordable housing plan
    QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that he notes will also double as his affordable housing plan. “Folks,” said Ford, “in these tough times, every... Read more »
  • Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”
    PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President Trump assured voters that his firmly held stance on abortion is also whatever stance will create a sufficient permission structure for them to cast their vote for him in November. “They said it couldn’t... Read more »
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