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    The Beaverton

  • Trump announces 35% tariffs on Krypton
    WASHINGTON, DC – Following a wave of conservative backlash to the recent cinematic reboot of Superman, U.S. president Donald Trump has announced that all imports from Krypton will be subject to a 35% tariff. The sweeping tariff was announced at 12:30am via Trump’s Truth Social platform. “These Kryptonians have been... Read more »
  • Alberta full of measles, and after the Calgary Stampede, also chlamydia
    CALGARY, AB – A raucous weekend at the Calgary Stampede has left local hospitals, already dealing with a rash of measles cases, further scrambling to deal with an influx of residents and tourists burning up with chlamydia. Alberta currently has its highest measles count since 1979, but health experts are... Read more »
  • RCMP apprehend Quebec terrorists after discovering manifesto written only in English
    QUEBEC CITY, QC – Four men involved in an far right terror plot were arrested this week by RCMP, not for plotting terrorism, but for releasing a written manifesto that was not properly translated into both French and English. The written manifesto, which outlined the group’s “ideologically motivated violent extremism”,... Read more »
  • ‘Calgary Stab-pede’ merch already sold out
    CALGARY – Following a shocking spate of non-fatal stabbings at this year’s Calgary Stampede, reports are that the even has already sold out of hastily-commissioned “Calgary Stab-pede” merchandise. “On one hand we worried that this would be in poor taste,” explains Calgary Stampede spokesperson Shirley Gunderson, “But on the other... Read more »
  • Breaking: can we get an article posted on Trump’s latest tariff threat before he backs down yet again?
    Editor: Ok unnamed writer. Trump just ‘Truthed’ that he was going to do a 35% tariff on all products sent into the U.S. from Canada. And I know the last 15 times he did this we scrambled to write an article and then he had already backed down before we... Read more »
  • Poilievre worried there won’t be enough government left for him to cut
    “Save some for me Mark!” Luke and the Panel (Nile Séguin and Clare Blackwood) break down Mark Carney enacting spending cuts that even Harper wouldn’t dream of, and then dive into the biggest sports stories going on in the world: The Blue Jays are soaring, Rogers is screwing over the... Read more »
  • Meet the new CEO of X: this ouija board that speaks directly to Hitler’s ghost
    TEXAS – Following Linda Yaccarino’s departure as CEO of X this morning, Elon Musk wasted no time holding a press conference to announce her successor: a ouija board with a direct supernatural connection to the ghost of Adolf Hitler. “This ouija board was Linda’s natural successor!” Musk yelled into the... Read more »
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