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    The Beaverton

  • Tech CEOs warn Chinese AI could destroy the world faster than American AI can
    SILICON VALLEY – American Tech CEOs issued a chilling warning that Chinese AI models have the potential to destroy the world more quickly and more cheaply than their American counterparts. The CEOs took time out from calculating how many developers, designers, and artists they could render homeless in the next... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 28, 2026 - 4:45 pm
  • Republicans insist Mitch McConnell resting comfortably following routine taxidermy procedure
    WASHINGTON D.C. – GOP lawmakers are chastizing their Democratic colleagues, as well as members of the media, for inquiring about the 6 week disappearance of Sen. Mitch McConnell, insisting the lawmaker “has never been healthier” after being stuffed and mounted. “How dare the fake news and the lying Democrats insist... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 27, 2026 - 9:25 pm
  • Neighbourhood kid who just learned to ride bike now logging 14-hour shift delivering Uber Eats
    OAKVILLE, ON — Seven-year-old Ryan Driftwood has been making the most of his newfound love of riding his bicycle by “making bank” as a self-employed Uber Eats food courier. The second-grader’s side hustle comes just one month after learning to ride without training wheels, making him more than qualified to... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 27, 2026 - 7:28 pm
  • Trump threat to tariff Canada over wildfire smoke closest he will ever come to understanding climate change
    WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump has threatened to tariff Canadian goods as a means of forcing Canadians to address circumstances that would cause future forest wildfires, a tactic that demonstrates the utmost limit of any future understanding he will ever have of climate change. Observers note that Trump’s momentary... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 27, 2026 - 11:33 am
  • Meteorologists confirm drizzle will not address bird shit situation
    Brandon, MB – Local meteorologists confirmed today what residents already felt in their hearts: the light rain forecast for this weekend will do absolutely nothing to address the bird shit situation.  “We’ve run the models,” said Environment Canada meteorologist Dr. Paul Hettrick. “We expect 3.4 mm of rainfall over a... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 26, 2026 - 10:01 pm
  • Cancelling of Billy Bishop expansion leaves Ford wondering if this is a bad time to tell Ontario he bought another private jet
    QUEEN’S PARK – The Federal Government has announced it will not support a proposed expansion of Billy Bishop Airport, leaving Premier Doug Ford searching for the right moment to inform Ontarians that he bought himself another private jet using taxpayer money. “I really thought this island airport expansion was a... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 25, 2026 - 6:30 pm
  • British Columbia to address cost of housing by legalizing polygamy
    VICTORIA, B.C. – Minister for Housing and Municipal Affairs Christine Boyle has announced that the provincial government will legalize polygamy in an effort to address the ballooning cost of housing. “Right now the vast majority of family accommodating housing is unaffordable even for two working partner families,” explained Boyle, “so... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: July 23, 2026 - 5:10 pm
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