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    The Beaverton

  • Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
    TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck said. “It can be used for much more than punctuating footage of grown men falling on their asses, penguin pile-ups and... Read more »
  • “The Freedom Convoy Protest wasn’t an emergency,” says man who doesn’t live in Ottawa
    Kamloops, BC – Local man Mark Howerston is confident the Freedom Convoy occupation of Ottawa was not enough of an emergency to justify the Trudeau government’s use of the Emergencies Act. “I get they wanted the truckers out of there but it was hardly a threat to public security” said... Read more »
  • “Fair Enough,” says boyfriend definitely listening
    WHITBY, ON – “Fair Enough,” responded local boyfriend Shaun Wright, after noticing a pause in his girlfriend’s mumblings, which he assumed to be the end of her story. The exchange took place this recent Friday evening, following a hectic workweek which Wright’s girlfriend, Rebecca Jones, 32, was no doubt telling... Read more »
  • Editorial: Where are all the White Fridays?
    By: Jordan Peterson Imagine if you will, a sale of sorts, in which the hierarchical notion of sovereignty and power is given directly back to the consumer. This individual person of power, which by person I mean man, and power I mean something only a white man should have, is... Read more »
  • Black Friday deal just last year’s price
    MISSISSAUGA – Retailers are embracing this year’s Black Friday by offering consumers the deal of a lifetime, the chance to buy products at last year’s regular prices. Naomi Hoffman eagerly awaited the drop of promotional emails from her favourite brands and received her email from Aritzia first. She was delighted... Read more »
  • Millennials call for “youth” to be redefined as whatever age they currently are
    OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now. “This is a crisis,” says Ashley Molina, spokesperson for the millennials. “Youth is generally interpreted as 18-25, which means virtually every millennial has... Read more »
  • Ethical soccer fan vows to watch entire World Cup while tsk-ing 
    TORONTO – Hardcore soccer fan Ethan Weir will be protesting the 2022 World Cup by shaking his head and tsk-ing while he watches every minute of the tournament.  “Between the horrific abuse that migrant workers endured to build the facilities, and Qatar’s miserable record on LGBT rights and freedom of... Read more »

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