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ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA – Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning nap constituted a moment of silent reflection. “Sure, I may have fallen asleep onstage while some idiot was droning on about ‘never forgetting’,”... Read more »

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump waxed nostalgic about how he single-handedly prevented the September 11 terrorist attacks from ever happening. Trump told a group of supporters that, if it weren’t for his heroic actions — simultaneously carried out in four different locations — more than 3,000 people would... Read more »

Moncton, NB – A local family says they are looking for answers after their mother openly chose to eat at a different rotisserie chicken chain. Trudy Daly, 45 and mother of three, is accused of betraying the family’s trust by engaging with a restaurant not appearing on the family’s list... Read more »

OTTAWA – With anti-American counter-tariffs taking effect as of September 8th, Canadians will be forced to make due without easy market access to their most-purchased American products, namely chrome balls to hang from the rear of one’s pickup truck. Prime Minister Mark Carney did not mince words about the sacrifices... Read more »

OTTAWA – Last weekend, Canada’s Ministry of National Defence confirmed their main strategy to fend off a potential invasion from the United States is to wait for American forces to be killed off by the many preventable diseases currently plaguing the country. “To quote The Art of War, the opportunity... Read more »

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident. “You want your precious Newfoundland back? We have some demands,” Hilroy announced in... Read more »

WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their virility. Hegseth posted the remarks weeks after directing the U.S.... Read more »

GANDER, NFLD – Controversial U.S. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra’s announcement that he will head to Newfoundland as part of the delegation commemorating the 25th anniversary of 9/11 has inspired a sequel to the hit broadway musical “Come from Away” about his reception. While “Come from Away” has become an international sensation... Read more »

OTTAWA – Conservative members and officials are sticking by leader Pierre Poilievre for now, insisting they will only vote to remove him if the voters give indication they don’t like him. “I’ve had my doubts about Pierre’s electability” said MP Clancy Meyer. “But until the nation’s voters have an opportunity... Read more »