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🙄 Alcohol and guns - what could go wrong? When police responded to reports of gunfire shortly before 11 p.m., they found Cavazos unresponsive on a walkway outside the complex, suffering from multiple gunshot wounds. He died from his injuries at the scene. A witness, who identified himself as a... Read more »

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🤔 We live in a CRAZY world! “If there’s an actual touching, that’s a felony,” Gorin said. “But just sniffing somebody, it really doesn’t rise to a felony. As the law stands now, it is very hard to file a felony offense based on this conduct.” Police said a 39-year-old... Read more »

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MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident. “You want your precious Newfoundland back? We have some demands,” Hilroy announced in... Read more »

WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their virility. Hegseth posted the remarks weeks after directing the U.S.... Read more »

GANDER, NFLD – Controversial U.S. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra’s announcement that he will head to Newfoundland as part of the delegation commemorating the 25th anniversary of 9/11 has inspired a sequel to the hit broadway musical “Come from Away” about his reception. While “Come from Away” has become an international sensation... Read more »

OTTAWA – Conservative members and officials are sticking by leader Pierre Poilievre for now, insisting they will only vote to remove him if the voters give indication they don’t like him. “I’ve had my doubts about Pierre’s electability” said MP Clancy Meyer. “But until the nation’s voters have an opportunity... Read more »

Hamilton, ON – As rolling blackouts leave entire neighbourhoods sweating in the dark, local landlord Gary Feltch has reassured his tenant that the air conditioning unit he has failed to repair for eight weeks is a “character-building opportunity” she should be grateful for. “Resilience isn’t forged in comfort,” Feltch said... Read more »

OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novembers U.S. midterm elections. “Beaches-East York! North Vancouver-Capilano! And even… Chicoutimi-Le Fjord! They said my Liberals couldn’t pull it off,... Read more »

COSTA RICA – A Vancouver man boasting a 500-day Duolingo streak was stunned to discover during a recent vacation that conversations with real Spanish speakers are not, in fact, multiple choice. The man in question, 34-year-old Tyler Miller, said he realized something was off from the start. “Day one at... Read more »

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Maps has changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” for their U.S. users, after realizing President Trump’s willful malevolence had distracted the public from how terrible tech giants are, namely Google. Following an executive order from President Trump to rename the Great Lake,... Read more »

OTTAWA – Following news of the passing of Montreal-born actor Peter Cullen, best known as the voice of Optimus Prime, nerds across Canada are demanding Ottawa hold a state funeral for the late performer. “Optimus Prime taught me to be a better person,” says Kevin Plamandon, 42 of Gatineau, QC.... Read more »