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    The Beaverton

  • ● Ben Mulroney warns his audience about a rise in car theft by playing a clip from Grand Theft Auto
    “We have amazing footage in from a town called San Andreas.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Megan MacKay) talk about Trump discovering that some wars last longer than a weekend, Carney not letting Iran get in the way of his polling surge and Poilievre’s adventures in... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 12, 2026 - 5:19 am
  • Every candidate in NDP leadership race comes in third
    Winnipeg, MB – The results are in: All five candidates running to be the next leader of the NDP have finished in third place.  “Obviously, this isn’t the result I was hoping for,” said candidate Rob Ashton. “But if I couldn’t finish in third all by myself, a five-way tie... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 11, 2026 - 10:45 pm
  • New Oscar category for “Best Cast” won by Bobby, who tried to climb the tube slide
    Lunenburg, NS- In advance of the 2026 Oscars, the first-ever Academy Award for Best Cast has been won by Lunenburg Elementary second grader Bobby Smithers, earned after falling from the school’s tube slide and getting a quick trip to the Fisherman’s Memorial Hospital for repairs. “A good cast should feel... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 10, 2026 - 10:20 pm
  • Americans demand to know who they have to bomb to lower gas prices
    HOUSTON, TX – American consumers shocked by sharply rising gas prices demonstrated their keen understanding of global geopolitics by demanding that the Department of War bomb some foreign country into dropping the cost of oil. “It is my birthright as an American to have cheap gas and it’s the responsibility... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 10, 2026 - 1:28 pm
  • Justin Trudeau offers tips on political dynasties to Iran’s newly-chosen supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei
    TEHRAN – Mojtaba Khamenei, the son of Iran’s recently-assassinated Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has been chosen as the country’s new supreme leader, leading to call from former Canadian legacy Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “It’s a lot of pressure, stepping into your father’s shoes,” Trudeau explained in a phone conversation with Khamenei,... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 9, 2026 - 2:39 pm
  • Scientists pinpoint exact age when doing your best no longer good enough
    CALGARY, AB ― After decades of analyzing report card data, Little League statistics, university drop out rates, and recordings of just fucking terrible violin etudes provided by the Royal Conservatory of Music, an international team of social scientists have finally pinpointed the age when doing your best is no longer... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 8, 2026 - 8:08 pm
  • Critics slam measles reboot as another nostalgia-fuelled cash grab
    CALGARY – The recent resurgence of measles across North America has drawn widespread criticism, with observers condemning the outbreak as yet another creatively-bankrupt nostalgia remake driven almost entirely by anti-vaccine communities unwilling to engage with any actual modern problems. “I mean, we’re living in a world with AI replacing jobs,... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: March 7, 2026 - 5:26 pm
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