The Beaverton

  • Greenbelt developers invite Ford to 4am “No Hard Feelings!” party at the docks
    QUEEN’S PARK – Following the surprise announcement that he will return all recently released lands back to the Greenbelt, Premier Doug Ford announced that the developers who purchased the land have invited him to a “We’re Not Mad At All” party in the middle of the night down at the... Read more »
  • India issues advisory warning travellers against assassinating people in Canada
    NEW DELHI – India has warned its citizens to exercise the “utmost caution” when attempting to covertly assassinate people in Canada. In a statement issued on its website, India’s Ministry of External Affairs urged Indian nationals in Canada and those thinking of travelling there to “be extremely careful” when plotting... Read more »
  • Anti-LGTBQ “Million March For Children” outnumbered by “Billion March For Not Being Bigots”
    OTTAWA – As coordinated protests against LGTBQ2S+ rights in schools take place across Canada, dubbed the “Million March For Children”, these marches are being dwarfed by a larger counter-protest movement dubbed the “Billion March For Not Being Bigots”. The “Million March For Children” is advocating the elimination of Sexual Orientation... Read more »
  • Grocers eager to stabilize prices at 500% of pre-pandemic values
    OTTAWA, ON― Representatives for Loblaw, Metro, and Empire have responded with enthusiasm to Justin Trudeau’s recent ultimatum requiring them to curb inflation, which is now running at 4%. “We want to reiterate that this is in no way our fault, and that the blame should go to everyone on the... Read more »
  • Meeting on grocery prices stalls as CEOs send Trudeau to self-serve negotiator
    OTTAWA – A meeting convened with Canada’s top grocery CEOs to discuss soaring prices stalled this week, as the executives directed Trudeau to conduct his own discussion with their automated self-serve negotiator. “Canadians are hurting due to skyrocketing grocery prices, and today we’re going to do something about it,” Trudeau... Read more »
  • Film with predominantly Asian cast doesn’t feature Awkwafina
    LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was abuzz today after it was revealed that the cast of an as-yet untitled Dreamworks feature about the personalities and goings-on in an Asian American community will not include rapper/actor Awkwafina. Producer Marcus Aldershot articulated the studio’s excitement. “This is HUGE! We didn’t know we could... Read more »
  • Toxic Actions of Toxic Coach of Toxic Sport in Toxic League exposed by Toxic Host of Toxic Podcast on Toxic Website
    COLUMBUS – Sports media was buzzing yesterday as Mike Babock, who has a reputation for doing incredibly toxic things in his role as a hockey coach, resigned following allegations of more problematic behaviour by Paul “BizNasty” Bissonnette, who has a reputation saying toxic things in his role as a podcaster.... Read more »