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    The Beaverton

  • ● Report: At this point we are just trying to figure who Canadian Parliament WON’T give a standing ovation to
    OTTAWA – After members of the Canadian Parliament earlier today gave a standing ovation to recently deceased far-right agitator who touted white supremacist theories, Charlie Kirk, we here at The Beaverton are stuck trying to figure out if there’s literally anyone our elected officials won’t celebrate. “After Conservative MP Rachel... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 16, 2025 - 4:12 am
  • Person you forgot was Ontario Liberal Party leader no longer Ontario Liberal Party leader
    TORONTO – Bonnie Crombee (sp?), the person who has apparently been head of the Liberal Party of Ontario since 2023, is reportedly not doing that anymore. “Despite getting over 50% support at the leadership review, it’s clear voters were hungry for someone who would distinguish themselves more from Doug Ford,”... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 15, 2025 - 6:39 pm
  • Gay friend ready for Halloween
    MONTREAL – Your gay friend has officially announced that he is ready to celebrate Halloween, despite the non-civic holiday being 45 days away. Jamie Mathers, 29, made the proclamation on his Instagram story this week by way of an “it’s always Halloween in this house” meme. He followed his post... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 15, 2025 - 3:16 pm
  • Couple trying for child despite world
    BURLINGTON, ON – Ignoring their shared dread, local couple Sarah and Aiden Hillson, 31, announced plans Thursday to bring a new human life into the world, despite a nagging foreboding that human civilization is teetering upon multiple precipices that could plunge us into irreversible, catastrophic collapse. “I know it’s early... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 13, 2025 - 4:58 pm
  • Second Amendment activists in shock as Charlie Kirk shot instead of just schoolchildren
    OREM, UT – Americans who champion the right to bear arms were shocked Wednesday as controversial commentator Charlie Kirk was shot and killed, as opposed to the ordinarily acceptable trend of mass shootings in schools. Dale Shaw, an investment advisor from Salt Lake City, says the event has cast a... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 11, 2025 - 9:22 pm
  • James McAvoy not sure which of his movies he got punched for
    TORONTO – While in town for the Toronto International Film Festival, where he was sucker-punched in a nearby bar by a random patron, actor James McAvoy feels certain that it was likely perpetrated by someone who was dissatisfied with a movie he starred in, but is having difficulty determining which... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 11, 2025 - 4:20 pm
  • Putin assures world no one evil has ever tried to invade Poland
    MOSCOW – After Russian drones were intercepted inside Polish airspace, Russian President Vladimir Putin issued a statement assuring the world that no evil person throughout history has ever attempted to invade the sovereignty of Poland. “I know this seems like a deliberate attempt by an imperial power to violate Polish... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: September 10, 2025 - 8:51 pm
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