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    The Beaverton

  • OPINION: The AI Crash will all be worth it if I just get to lay just a few thousand people off
    by Jameson Varner, CEO I’m the CEO of a major accounting firm, which means I have my finger on the market’s pulse. Both financial and tech journalists have been predicting that artificial intelligence is a bubble that will inevitably crash, soon bringing the rest of the stock market and global... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: December 1, 2025 - 4:29 pm
  • RFK Jr. criticizes science behind seatbelts
    Washington, D.C. – In another upending of health rules and regulations from the new administration, secretary of health RFK Jr. has revealed the true dangers of seat belt use. “Seatbelts may be one of the largest contributors to autism,” hissed Kennedy at a recent press briefing. “While there is a... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 30, 2025 - 11:57 pm
  • Steven Guilbeault resigns from cabinet after Danielle Smith threatens to build new pipeline through his house
    OTTAWA – With Prime Minister Mark Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith signing a new pipeline agreement, Canada’s Minister of Canadian Identity and Culture Steven Guilbeault resigned from cabinet after Smith threatened to build her new pipeline directly through his home. “I wasn’t going to leave, but then I came... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 28, 2025 - 7:19 pm
  • Huge Black Friday lineup turns out to just be for Food Bank
    HAMILTON, ON – Local residents this morning report driving past an excitingly long lineup and assuming it was for a blowout Black Friday sale, before realizing that it was just a regular queue for a boring old Food Bank. The dozens-long lineup, visible since 6am this morning, was revealed to... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 28, 2025 - 5:06 pm
  • Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to declare herself premier of B.C.
    VICTORIA – British Columbians were shocked today to be informed by Alberta Premier Danielle Smith that she is now the head of the B.C. government after using the notwithstanding clause (section 33 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms) to make herself premier of that province, too. “In order to... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 28, 2025 - 4:59 pm
  • Tim Hortons reminds Campbell’s customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
    TORONTO – Following the news that a top Campbell’s executive was fired after being caught on microphone calling the company’s soups “shit for poor people”, Tim Hortons have released a statement reminding the Canadian public that they too offer a wide variety of bad soup for poor slobs. “We were... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 27, 2025 - 5:22 pm
  • New Campaign Manager excited to bring fresh, moderate ideas that Poilievre will ignore
    “I can’t wait to lay out a series of pragmatic proposals that people will respond to, and see Pierre ignore them in favour of an ‘owning the libs’ game plan yet again.” Luke and the Panel (Megan MacKay, Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) talk about Carney and Smith coming to... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 27, 2025 - 6:08 am
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