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    The Beaverton

  • Men of Hollywood line up to see who will be first to groom AI actress
    Los Angeles, CA – Hollywood is abuzz with rumors surrounding young non-actress Tilly Norwood and which Hollywood groomer will be the first to groom the young AI slop. “We’ve had a few eligible men come around introducing themselves,” explained Eline Van der Velden, one of the founders of the company... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 18, 2025 - 10:54 pm
  • Kevin O’Leary petitions Trump to have name added to Epstein Files
    TORONTO – With newly released files from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Trump in a world of elite, amoral power players, Canadian businessman Kevin O’Leary has formally requested that Trump insert his name into those files as well. “The men named in the Epstein Files are powerful, merciless,... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 18, 2025 - 2:58 pm
  • Carney orders staffers to bow before speaking to him
    OTTAWA – The Prime Minister’s Office has issued a directive that all staffers and civil servants must bow before speaking to Prime Minister Carney. “Upon entering a room in which his excellence, Mark Carney is located, you will enter, bow at the neck (not the waist you ignorant Prussian), then... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 17, 2025 - 6:07 pm
  • Vancouver wins “Least Worst Public Transit” award ninth year in a row
    NEW WESTMINSTER, B.C. – For the ninth year in a row, celebrations were held at TransLink headquarters after Metro Vancouver won the “Least Worst Public Transit” award from the International Association of Public Transport. “We take great pride in how just barely adequate public transportation is in the Metro Vancouver... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 17, 2025 - 3:02 pm
  • Modern Mother Teresa? This woman donated to Wikipedia
    PICKERING, ON – Budding philanthropist Krista Murphy inspired onlookers last week when she responded to Wikipedia’s call for donation not with apathy, but with a one-time contribution of the minimum listed amount ($2.75). This act of selflessness and compassion came after Murphy visited the Wikipedia page for Shrek 3, looking... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 16, 2025 - 10:49 pm
  • Nestlé worried AI will destroy world’s water supply before they do
    VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own ability to eradicate the world’s supply of potable water. “Since time immemorial, the Nestlé corporation has been a steward of the world’s... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 15, 2025 - 4:32 pm
  • Trump accuses all 342 million Americans of also being in Epstein Files
    WASHINGTON D.C. – With the release of thousands of emails from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Donald Trump, the POTUS is deflecting by boldly alleging that every single man, woman, and child living in the United States are also named in the secret files. “Sure, maybe I’m in... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 14, 2025 - 4:11 pm
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