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Vancouver, USA – Celebrities who attended the 2025 Juno awards had a firm and clear theme for the night’s proceedings, that their talents which they mostly perform in the United States are only for Canada. “We are the greatest nation on earth,” said Míchael Bublé, likely speaking of the United... Read more »

TORONTO – According to sources embedded in your fantasy hockey pool, the player who goes by a crude double entendre is on the verge of issuing you such a humiliating defeat that you’ll lose all interest in ever playing again. “I watch two hockey games a night, watch another half-a-dozen... Read more »

In the wake of ongoing tariffs imposed by the Trump Administration, Canadians are looking for local alternatives to American products. For folks hoping to purchase the favour of a government official, we’ve assembled a list of some of the finest cowards, puppets, and shills that Canada has to offer. Danielle... Read more »

ATHENS, GREECE ― Following Trump’s inauguration and the steep decline in American character it represents, Greece is looking on with a mixture of horror and guilty relief, new polling suggests.  “For years, we have felt the quietly pitying eyes of the world,” announced a man who said his name was... Read more »

OTTAWA – In light of concerns that social media sites would be used to spread deliberate disinformation in order to sway the outcome of Canada’s upcoming federal election, Chief Electoral Officer Stephane Perrault has assured the public that that won’t happen because the sites have assured him that that won’t... Read more »

TORONTO – As Hudson’s Bay stores across Canada liquidate their inventory to pay off debt, customers currently lost inside these labyrinthian stores are being warned they must find their way out before the locations close for good. “There are only a few weeks left for Canadians to capitalize on our... Read more »

Crystal City, Virginia – Seeing an opportunity to capitalize on his company’s reputation as a bringer of chaos and death, Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg has announced the signing of an agreement with the US Air Force to build the next generation of fighter planes. The announcement was made at the... Read more »

OTTAWA – With US President Trump ramping up his economic attacks on Canada and Europe, Prime Minister Mark Carney has enacted a top secret plan to mobilize Canada’s most highly-specialized fighting unit: celebrated indie-rock collective Broken Social Scene. “Your country needs you one more time,” intoned Carney as he approached... Read more »

(Political) Scientists hate him for discovering a new way to be a Conservative PM in Canada! And he can show you how to do it too! It’s the second episode of the relaunched Beaverton Weekly Report. The writ has dropped, and it hit Pierre Poilievre directly on the head. Luke... Read more »