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    The Beaverton

  • “Confidence is the key to success” claim wealthy, attractive people
    Guelph, ON – Have you ever wondered about the secret to a more successful life? It turns out it’s confidence, according to beautiful people born into generational wealth. Decades of psychological and sociological research have found a strong correlation between socioeconomic status, attractiveness, and measures of workplace success. However, if... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 20, 2024 - 9:59 pm
  • Poilievre denies he’d be a Canadian Trump: “I’ll be more like a Canadian JD Vance”
    OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre continues to refute all Liberal Party attempts to tie him to President Donald Trump, insisting that if people pay close attention they’ll see he’s way more of a JD Vance type. “Canadians see right through the Liberals pathetic attempts to associate me with President Trump,” said... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 20, 2024 - 5:40 pm
  • Indie band goes on tour to recoup financial losses from last tour
    OSHAWA, ON – Local indie band The Kneeling Neils have announced a new concert tour to recover the financial losses from their previous tour. The indie folk rock outfit shared the news after the final tally for their most recent tour left them in the red. “Seriously, Neil K. had... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 19, 2024 - 4:35 pm
  • Conservatives announce new innocuous thing they’re terrified of
    OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs. “We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition it posted this week. “No one is asking us to, but... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 18, 2024 - 11:51 pm
  • 5 ways Democrats can win the next election, all of which involve throwing Trans people under the bus for some reason
    With Democrats reeling from the magnitude of Donald Trump’s victory, analysts and party insiders are coming out with plans for how the party can recover in time for the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election. And we thought we’d join in by focusing on the one issue everyone seems... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 18, 2024 - 6:27 pm
  • Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is
    OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map. “Canada mainly got through the first Trump administration thanks to the fact that he... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 18, 2024 - 4:22 pm
  • “It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator 
    TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year.  “I’ve struggled with premature ejaculation for decades, and it feels like every year it comes... Read more »
    Source: The Beaverton | Published: November 17, 2024 - 4:30 pm
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