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    The Beaverton

  • Canada offers to support American “NO KINGS” protest, draws line at “NO QUEENS”
    OTTAWA – With millions across America taking part in today’s planned “No Kings” protest, Canadians have signalled their willingness to lend support – though emphasize that they still have a “weird affection” for their recent Queen. “We Canadians understand American’s eagerness to show President Trump that he is not their... Read more »
  • Marc Maron pioneers not having a podcast
    LOS ANGELES – After sixteen years, comedian, actor, and aggravated cat owner Marc Maron has taken a bold step into the unknown by turning off his microphone and not hosting a podcast. “Look, I’m a recovery guy,” said the former host of WTF with Marc Maron. “One day you wake... Read more »
  • New horror movie somehow not a metaphor for trauma
    BRANDON, MB – Scary movie enthusiasts are stunned after discovering that a recent popular horror film is in no way an allegory for grief, PTSD, or intergenerational trauma. The 2025 film, Nightmare Hollow, depicts a young family who purchase a new house only to learn it is haunted by the... Read more »
  • World agrees to make up awards for Donald Trump to win every time he stops a war
    “The annual Awesome Guy With Big Dick And Normal Hair Award goes to…Donald Trump!” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Nile Seguin and Craig Fay) discuss the reasons to be optimistic about the Ceasefire Deal, and the many many reasons for pessimism, Trump’s proclamation of a New Dawn in the... Read more »
  • “Restore merit, end DEI” says man who could only get elected in Canada’s safest Conservative stronghold
    OTTAWA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has launched a petition to “end DEI programs and restore merit”, just months after losing his own heavily-favoured seat before running in an even more heavily-tilted by-election. The online petition, titled “DEI spending and government waste needs to DIE”, is endorsed by a leader... Read more »
  • TTC announces subway closure due to ‘not feeling it today’
    TORONTO – This week the TTC announced via social media that all subway lines will be closed today due to subway workers ‘just not feeling it.’ The statement written by TTC CEO Mandeep Lali explained the closure, citing how closing all service on Line 1, 2, and 4 was the... Read more »
  • New sportsbetting app boasts 80% addiction rate
    TORONTO – A popular new sportsbetting app, BetDuel Sportsbook & Casino, advertises “all the fun of sportsbetting and casino slots right in your pocket, plus 4 in 5 odds of developing a debilitating compulsion!” This year apps like Fanduel, Betway, and DraftKings have broken records for personal money lost while... Read more »
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