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HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a new BBC report accusing actor Jared Leto of sexually assaulting four women when they were underage, the film star has responded by questioning what further actions he could have undertaken to telegraph that he was a notorious sex predator. “Wait, people are just now finding... Read more »

TORONTO – In the wake of CEO Tobi Lutke endorsing an electoral system in which votes are allocated based on how much income tax you pay, e-commerce platform Shopify has announced that customers can put in promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off any order on any store that uses the... Read more »

EDMONTON – With the October 19th Alberta Separation referendum approaching, residents of the provincial capital have announced that they will be holding their own referendum to separate the city of Edmonton from the Alberta separation movement entirely.  “At this time, we do not feel that participation in the Alberta separation... Read more »

ST. CATHARINE’S — Canada’s Baby Boomers increasingly say social media is to blame for setting unrealistically high standards for their lawns. “Sometimes I’m on Facebook, enjoying posts about how Taylor Swift is dumb and seatbelts are for snowflakes, and then I see a photo of a friend’s perfect, green, rectangle... Read more »

SILICON VALLEY – American Tech CEOs issued a chilling warning that Chinese AI models have the potential to destroy the world more quickly and more cheaply than their American counterparts. The CEOs took time out from calculating how many developers, designers, and artists they could render homeless in the next... Read more »

WASHINGTON D.C. – GOP lawmakers are chastizing their Democratic colleagues, as well as members of the media, for inquiring about the 6 week disappearance of Sen. Mitch McConnell, insisting the lawmaker “has never been healthier” after being stuffed and mounted. “How dare the fake news and the lying Democrats insist... Read more »

OAKVILLE, ON — Seven-year-old Ryan Driftwood has been making the most of his newfound love of riding his bicycle by “making bank” as a self-employed Uber Eats food courier. The second-grader’s side hustle comes just one month after learning to ride without training wheels, making him more than qualified to... Read more »

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump has threatened to tariff Canadian goods as a means of forcing Canadians to address circumstances that would cause future forest wildfires, a tactic that demonstrates the utmost limit of any future understanding he will ever have of climate change. Observers note that Trump’s momentary... Read more »

Brandon, MB – Local meteorologists confirmed today what residents already felt in their hearts: the light rain forecast for this weekend will do absolutely nothing to address the bird shit situation.  “We’ve run the models,” said Environment Canada meteorologist Dr. Paul Hettrick. “We expect 3.4 mm of rainfall over a... Read more »